1
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:09,250
MAXWELL: Niles!
2
00:00:09,283 --> 00:00:11,253
Uh-oh. Daddy
just found
out
3
00:00:11,283 --> 00:00:13,253
we don't have
any water.
4
00:00:13,283 --> 00:00:15,253
Damn blasted,
bloody pipes.
5
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,253
I'm selling the house.
We're moving back to England.
6
00:00:18,283 --> 00:00:20,253
And he's taking
it
very well.
7
00:00:22,660 --> 00:00:24,330
And I suppose there's no tea.
8
00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:25,280
Here.
9
00:00:25,316 --> 00:00:27,276
Suck on this...
10
00:00:27,316 --> 00:00:29,216
Sir.
11
00:00:29,250 --> 00:00:30,430
Oh, Daddy.
I'm
disgusting.
12
00:00:30,466 --> 00:00:33,166
I can't go out in
public
like this.
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,280
It's never
stopped you before.
14
00:00:35,316 --> 00:00:37,346
Good morning, everyone.
15
00:00:37,383 --> 00:00:39,453
Miss Fine, do you have water
in your bathroom?
16
00:00:39,483 --> 00:00:41,503
No.
17
00:00:41,830 --> 00:00:42,320
Then how could you
possibly look like
that?
18
00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:44,170
Believe me,
it wasn't
easy.
19
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:45,280
I went through
my entire
supply
20
00:00:45,316 --> 00:00:48,496
of moist towelettes.
21
00:00:48,830 --> 00:00:51,150
And I laughed
at my mother. Ha,
ha!
22
00:00:51,183 --> 00:00:53,123
Niles, did you
call a plumber?
23
00:00:53,150 --> 00:00:54,270
I beeped him, sir,
24
00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:57,430
but his yacht has gone
into international waters.
25
00:00:57,466 --> 00:00:59,226
Well, did you look
for someone else?
26
00:00:59,266 --> 00:01:00,316
No.
27
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:02,170
I've been leafing
through the yellow pages
28
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,330
for origami supplies.
29
00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:06,350
Oh, if you need a plumber,
I got a second cousin--
30
00:01:06,383 --> 00:01:08,323
I'd rather wait for rain.
31
00:01:08,350 --> 00:01:10,420
Are you still
holding a grudge
32
00:01:10,450 --> 00:01:12,330
because of my Uncle Aaron,
the electrician?
33
00:01:12,366 --> 00:01:14,096
Why should I?
34
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:16,303
My eyebrows
have almost grown back.
35
00:01:17,366 --> 00:01:19,246
Hey, a lot of women
will pay good money
36
00:01:19,283 --> 00:01:21,123
for that effect.
37
00:01:21,150 --> 00:01:23,500
It's difficult to get someone
on the weekend, sir.
38
00:01:23,830 --> 00:01:24,370
Well...
39
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,500
[TO TUNE OF "OLD MACDONALD"]
♪♪ Cousin Irving is on call ♪♪
40
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,380
♪♪ 24 hours a day ♪♪
41
00:01:29,416 --> 00:01:32,496
Miss Fine, this is an old house
with very delicate pipes.
42
00:01:32,830 --> 00:01:35,100
Hey, my Aunt Ida would let
any guy in a white coat
43
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:36,353
remove her gallstones,
44
00:01:36,383 --> 00:01:39,103
but only Irving
could touch her toilets.
45
00:01:41,830 --> 00:01:42,430
Against every
fiber
of my body,
46
00:01:42,466 --> 00:01:46,146
contrary to every
belief
I hold dear,
47
00:01:46,183 --> 00:01:48,323
you can
hire your
cousin.
48
00:01:48,350 --> 00:01:50,320
But if anything goes wrong...
49
00:01:50,350 --> 00:01:53,350
Oh, would you trust me?
Irving is a legend!
50
00:01:53,383 --> 00:01:56,183
Believe me,
before he set up shop,
51
00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:58,656
they didn't call it "Flushing".
52
00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:04,300
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
53
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,003
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
54
00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:07,180
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
55
00:02:07,216 --> 00:02:08,476
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
56
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,400
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
57
00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:13,373
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
58
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,200
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
59
00:02:15,233 --> 00:02:17,833
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
60
00:02:17,116 --> 00:02:19,226
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more ♪♪
61
00:02:19,266 --> 00:02:21,366
♪♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪♪
62
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,160
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
63
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,100
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
64
00:02:27,133 --> 00:02:29,423
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
65
00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:31,230
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
66
00:02:31,266 --> 00:02:33,156
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
67
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,350
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
68
00:02:34,383 --> 00:02:35,453
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
69
00:02:35,483 --> 00:02:37,153
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
70
00:02:37,183 --> 00:02:40,283
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
71
00:02:40,316 --> 00:02:43,126
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
72
00:02:43,166 --> 00:02:44,426
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
73
00:02:52,466 --> 00:02:55,496
Dad, why can't I
go?
It's just a party.
74
00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:56,100
Give me
one good reason.
75
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:57,303
I'll give you 16.
76
00:02:57,333 --> 00:02:58,453
Eight boys
77
00:02:58,483 --> 00:03:00,203
and their grubby
little hands.
78
00:03:00,233 --> 00:03:01,403
That's not fair!
79
00:03:01,433 --> 00:03:04,403
Shh!
This is a very important call.
80
00:03:04,433 --> 00:03:07,123
Pasquali, can you
do a pedicure at 4:00?
81
00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:10,833
Margaret, case closed.
82
00:03:10,116 --> 00:03:12,496
Fine. I won't have a life.
83
00:03:12,830 --> 00:03:14,350
I'll end up old and alone,
like Fran!
84
00:03:14,383 --> 00:03:16,103
Hi!
85
00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:17,203
Hi!
86
00:03:17,233 --> 00:03:19,133
Have you seen my Poly-Grip?
87
00:03:22,116 --> 00:03:24,826
Fran, you've
got
to help me.
88
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:25,146
Huh? Sorry.
89
00:03:25,183 --> 00:03:27,103
I think
I lost my Miracle Ear.
90
00:03:28,183 --> 00:03:29,353
Miss Fine, please.
91
00:03:29,383 --> 00:03:32,353
I am trying to schedule
my beauty appointment.
92
00:03:32,383 --> 00:03:34,303
Well, I hope
it's not a toll call.
93
00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:38,500
Now, what is all this
yelling about?
94
00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:39,250
You're making me
homesick.
95
00:03:39,283 --> 00:03:41,163
It's a party
at
Kimberly's,
96
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:42,430
and everybody's
going
but me.
97
00:03:42,466 --> 00:03:45,196
Just look at this guest list
I found by the telephone.
98
00:03:46,283 --> 00:03:49,003
So? I know most of these kids.
What's the problem?
99
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,120
Well, they're all
paired off.
100
00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:52,660
Boys and girls,
two by two.
101
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:53,330
It's like Noah's ark.
102
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:57,156
Ah, your first make-out party!
103
00:03:58,183 --> 00:03:59,403
Who'd you get?
104
00:03:59,433 --> 00:04:03,103
She's not getting anyone,
and no one is getting her.
105
00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:06,663
Did I say make out?
I meant makeup.
106
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,660
Makeover! Avon. Mary Kay.
107
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:10,660
Maybe they'll
have Tupperware there.
108
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,430
No kissing.
Just-- pfft--
burping.
109
00:04:14,150 --> 00:04:15,320
Are you done?
110
00:04:15,350 --> 00:04:17,430
Well, unless you've
got
something to add.
111
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,166
Well, I do.
Maggie, you're too young.
112
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,420
You're not going.
113
00:04:20,450 --> 00:04:23,270
I can't believe you.
You never let me go anywhere.
114
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,250
Not true. Go to your room.
115
00:04:27,383 --> 00:04:30,333
What's the matter?
All the convents are
full?
116
00:04:30,366 --> 00:04:33,346
Miss Fine, she's too young
for a kissing party.
117
00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:35,833
She's only 14 years old.
118
00:04:35,116 --> 00:04:37,176
She's gonna be 15.
119
00:04:37,216 --> 00:04:39,656
Oh, well, you get
an A in math.
120
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,380
I'm not letting her go
to some Park Avenue apartment
121
00:04:41,416 --> 00:04:43,466
crawling with a bunch
of lecherous young men.
122
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,500
Mm. You wouldn't happen
to have the address,
123
00:04:46,830 --> 00:04:48,830
would you?
124
00:04:48,116 --> 00:04:49,316
More
pictures
and résumés
125
00:04:49,350 --> 00:04:51,000
of showgirls, sir.
126
00:04:51,330 --> 00:04:52,130
Well, the audition's
this afternoon.
127
00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,346
These should have
been here hours ago.
128
00:04:53,383 --> 00:04:55,453
They were.
129
00:04:55,483 --> 00:04:58,833
I'd pay
particular
attention
130
00:04:58,116 --> 00:04:59,326
to Gigi, Lulu,
131
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:02,496
and the one
on the
unicycle.
132
00:05:06,116 --> 00:05:09,126
How on earth does she keep
from falling forward?
133
00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:11,466
And even if she did,
she'd bounce right
back.
134
00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:15,000
Oh, no, no, no.
135
00:05:15,330 --> 00:05:16,300
These girls won't do.
136
00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:17,433
Look at that one!
137
00:05:17,466 --> 00:05:19,376
Big hair, tight pants, red lips.
138
00:05:19,416 --> 00:05:21,266
Hmm. Tramp!
139
00:05:22,366 --> 00:05:24,126
Well, you're right, C.C.
140
00:05:24,166 --> 00:05:25,376
They're all tall,
leggy, and buxom.
141
00:05:25,416 --> 00:05:28,326
And we specifically ordered
short, dumpy showgirls.
142
00:05:28,366 --> 00:05:31,496
Oh, that reminds me
of my Aunt Rosalind.
143
00:05:31,830 --> 00:05:34,130
All she ever wanted to do
was to be a Rockette.
144
00:05:34,166 --> 00:05:36,326
She made the height requirement.
145
00:05:36,660 --> 00:05:38,150
It was the width
that was the problem.
146
00:05:39,366 --> 00:05:40,426
I can't get enough
147
00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:42,326
of these stories
of your relatives.
148
00:05:42,366 --> 00:05:43,446
Tell me again about the one
149
00:05:43,483 --> 00:05:45,453
which ends
with the plumbing getting fixed.
150
00:05:45,483 --> 00:05:49,663
I'd like to shower and
shave
before these auditions.
151
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:50,470
You are a bit scruffy...
152
00:05:51,383 --> 00:05:53,483
common... brutish.
153
00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:58,253
Need a moist towelette?
154
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:10,223
Koenig's Speedy Plumbing.
Sorry we're late.
155
00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:11,370
Who are you?
156
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,130
I'm Tiffany, your second cousin,
twice-removed.
157
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,446
Oh, no way!
158
00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:18,223
My cousin Tiffany
is still in
Pampers.
159
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:21,220
Good news. I'm potty-trained!
160
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,480
Which is more
than I can say for him.
161
00:06:25,266 --> 00:06:27,656
Oh, Irving?
162
00:06:28,433 --> 00:06:30,663
Fran.
163
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,470
You got old.
164
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,430
Yeah, well, I was a lot younger
when I called you.
165
00:06:34,466 --> 00:06:37,316
You were supposed to be here
at 9:30.
166
00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:38,400
We were.
167
00:06:38,433 --> 00:06:41,173
It's a long way from the curb.
168
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,420
Yeah, well, don't
lose your momentum.
169
00:06:42,450 --> 00:06:44,500
The kitchen's
down that way.
170
00:06:44,830 --> 00:06:45,320
Keep moving.
171
00:06:45,350 --> 00:06:47,330
Hey, don't
touch
anything.
172
00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:49,660
You break it,
you bought it.
173
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,180
So, this is nice.
174
00:06:50,216 --> 00:06:52,826
Your grandfather
is babysitting you?
175
00:06:52,116 --> 00:06:53,276
Vice versa.
176
00:06:53,316 --> 00:06:55,656
When we let him out
alone,
177
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:57,380
he keeps driving
until he runs out of
gas
178
00:06:57,416 --> 00:06:59,996
and someone calls the number
on the side of van.
179
00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:02,660
Oh. Does that happen often?
180
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,100
Who knows? It's not our number.
181
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,503
He wrecked our van.
182
00:07:07,433 --> 00:07:10,833
No, you may not
look through the keyhole
183
00:07:10,116 --> 00:07:11,466
when your father
is auditioning showgirls.
184
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,000
Well, why not?
185
00:07:13,330 --> 00:07:14,350
That's where I'll be.
186
00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:17,353
Brighton, come
here.
I want you to
meet Tiffany.
187
00:07:17,383 --> 00:07:19,253
Hi.
Hi.
188
00:07:19,283 --> 00:07:21,103
Magic.
189
00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:24,353
Well, why don't you two kids
go up and play?
190
00:07:24,383 --> 00:07:26,353
Mets fan?
Yankees.
191
00:07:26,383 --> 00:07:27,433
Giants?
Jets.
192
00:07:27,466 --> 00:07:29,366
Geek.
Dork.
193
00:07:30,466 --> 00:07:32,326
Play nice!
194
00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:38,220
Whoa... this is some big house.
195
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,300
I hope he doesn't
charge by the hour.
196
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:42,273
Right.
197
00:07:49,150 --> 00:07:50,350
Uh-oh.
198
00:07:50,383 --> 00:07:52,123
What's with the "uh-oh"?
199
00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:55,350
I don't like to hear plumbers
or hairdressers say uh-oh.
200
00:07:55,383 --> 00:07:58,283
Forgot my wrench.
201
00:07:58,316 --> 00:08:01,096
What were you doing down there
so long without your tools?
202
00:08:01,133 --> 00:08:02,323
That's my business.
203
00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:05,320
Can I get
you
anything?
204
00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:07,500
Juice? Soda?
205
00:08:07,830 --> 00:08:08,250
Digitalis?
206
00:08:10,150 --> 00:08:13,100
Oh, Niles, Mr. Sheffield
is gonna kill me.
207
00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:14,333
Why do I have
this compulsion
208
00:08:14,366 --> 00:08:15,446
to hire my relatives?
209
00:08:15,483 --> 00:08:17,003
It's a sickness.
210
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,150
I know.
I should seek help.
211
00:08:18,183 --> 00:08:20,103
Well, I'll call
my Uncle Stanley.
212
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,433
He's a shrink.
213
00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:25,276
You have no idea
what you're talking
about.
214
00:08:25,316 --> 00:08:27,496
Yeah, you think
just because I'm not rich
215
00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:28,380
and go
to some fancy private school
216
00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,826
I don't know anything?
217
00:08:30,116 --> 00:08:32,376
I'm telling you,
there were two Darrens.
218
00:08:32,416 --> 00:08:33,416
You're crazy.
219
00:08:33,450 --> 00:08:35,420
No. She's absolutely
right.
220
00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:38,500
The first Darren died.
221
00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:40,450
The second Darren just
came out of the closet.
222
00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:44,200
Go live with a witch.
223
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:46,400
Pay up.
Dream on.
224
00:08:46,433 --> 00:08:48,163
Hey, watch it, Richie Rich.
225
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:49,120
You welsh on me,
226
00:08:49,150 --> 00:08:50,180
it's the last thing
you'll ever do.
227
00:08:50,216 --> 00:08:51,276
So sue me.
228
00:08:51,316 --> 00:08:53,826
It could happen.
229
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,276
Uncle Sidney.
Uncle Sidney.
230
00:08:58,660 --> 00:08:59,100
I don't believe this.
231
00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:01,223
Even the troll
has a social life.
232
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:03,200
I know.
233
00:09:03,233 --> 00:09:05,173
Daddy can be
such a pain.
234
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,220
I know.
235
00:09:06,250 --> 00:09:07,320
It's just a party.
236
00:09:07,350 --> 00:09:08,450
I know!
237
00:09:08,483 --> 00:09:10,423
Say, I know a lot.
238
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,470
I should get a raise.
239
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,100
Honey, try to be
240
00:09:14,133 --> 00:09:16,333
more understanding
of your father.
241
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:18,500
He just wants to protect you.
242
00:09:18,830 --> 00:09:21,660
Yeah, well, he's impossible.
He never lets me go anywhere.
243
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:22,420
I remember my mother
didn't let me go
244
00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:25,100
to Amy Semel's Sweet 16
at the bowling alley.
245
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:26,203
She had this thing
246
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,373
about wearing
other people's
shoes.
247
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,350
She thought
I would get
polio,
248
00:09:29,383 --> 00:09:32,483
or was it
planter's
warts?
249
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,230
Anyway, it was
something
with a P.
250
00:09:36,433 --> 00:09:38,323
And what does that
have to do with me?
251
00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:41,830
Give me a minute.
252
00:09:41,116 --> 00:09:42,426
Oh, yeah.
253
00:09:42,466 --> 00:09:46,396
You know, sometimes your parents
sound like they're crazy,
254
00:09:46,433 --> 00:09:49,503
but when you really
think about it...
255
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,370
they are.
256
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,130
Oy... I'll go
talk
to your
father.
257
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:58,470
Hey!
258
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,830
Well, the drain's clear.
259
00:10:01,466 --> 00:10:04,656
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
260
00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:10,153
BRIGHTON: Wow!
261
00:10:10,183 --> 00:10:11,323
How do you do?
262
00:10:11,350 --> 00:10:12,420
Brighton Sheffield,
producer's son.
263
00:10:12,450 --> 00:10:14,330
Hi, Brighton.
264
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:15,470
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
265
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,320
A halter top.
266
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:23,280
Hello.
267
00:10:23,316 --> 00:10:24,446
Hello. Hi.
268
00:10:24,483 --> 00:10:26,833
Hello.
269
00:10:26,116 --> 00:10:29,246
Look, Fran.
Giant Barbie dolls.
270
00:10:29,283 --> 00:10:31,253
Will you play with me?
271
00:10:31,283 --> 00:10:34,403
Oh. No, honey.
These toys are for boys.
272
00:10:36,366 --> 00:10:38,266
I have
a four-octave
range,
273
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:40,300
and I studied
acting
with Stella Adler.
274
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,833
Very impressive.
275
00:10:42,116 --> 00:10:45,196
I can also stand on my hands
and do a full split.
276
00:10:47,383 --> 00:10:49,133
You've got the part!
277
00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:50,466
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield!
278
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,280
I can't wait to work for you!
279
00:10:52,316 --> 00:10:54,346
Oh, God,
I want your
job.
280
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:57,500
Thank you, Gigi.
281
00:10:57,830 --> 00:10:59,150
[GRUNTING]
We'll call
you.
282
00:11:00,183 --> 00:11:01,283
Oh, watch it.
283
00:11:01,316 --> 00:11:03,096
You could poke someone's eye
out with those.
284
00:11:07,116 --> 00:11:09,326
Well, look
at the two of
you,
285
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:10,120
like a couple of cats
286
00:11:10,150 --> 00:11:12,500
outside a fish store.
287
00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:14,170
I would have thought
288
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,480
you were more sophisticated
than that.
289
00:11:16,483 --> 00:11:18,323
No, not really.
No, not really.
290
00:11:18,350 --> 00:11:20,280
Oh, Miss Fine,
291
00:11:20,316 --> 00:11:22,266
it's nothing
to be ashamed of.
292
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:24,150
The human body
is a beautiful thing.
293
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,253
Uh-huh.
294
00:11:25,283 --> 00:11:27,163
Well, I could have
had that body too,
295
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:29,000
had I cashed in
my Israeli bonds.
296
00:11:29,416 --> 00:11:31,656
Well, don't
look
at me.
297
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,150
I wanted to do
12 Angry Men.
298
00:11:33,183 --> 00:11:35,303
Mm, but they
didn't
want to do you.
299
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:40,150
Excuse me. I'll think I'll see
300
00:11:40,183 --> 00:11:42,273
what needs dusting
in the living room.
301
00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:45,323
Miss Fine,
did you want something?
302
00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:47,170
I want to talk to
you
about Maggie.
303
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,480
The answer is no.
304
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,330
But it's just a party!
305
00:11:50,366 --> 00:11:52,156
Amazingly enough,
306
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,150
that cogent argument
still hasn't convinced me.
307
00:11:54,183 --> 00:11:55,233
Well, give me a second,
308
00:11:55,266 --> 00:11:56,416
and I'll think
of something else.
309
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:59,330
No. Absolutely not.
I forbid it.
310
00:11:59,366 --> 00:12:01,396
Well, can I think
it's
a definite maybe?
311
00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:03,333
I'll take care
of my family.
312
00:12:03,366 --> 00:12:05,326
You take care of yours.
313
00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:07,180
Now, go tell your Uncle Irving
to hurry it up,
314
00:12:07,216 --> 00:12:09,096
or you'll be finished
before he is.
315
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,133
You want it fast,
or do you want it good?
316
00:12:11,166 --> 00:12:12,366
I want it all!
317
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,170
You know, this grungy look
is very cute on you.
318
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,430
Go. Now.
319
00:12:18,466 --> 00:12:20,366
Niles, bring me an Aspirin.
320
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,420
NILES: Sorry, sir.
I've got my hands
full.
321
00:12:26,383 --> 00:12:27,383
Huh?
322
00:12:27,416 --> 00:12:28,426
Where's Irving?
323
00:12:28,466 --> 00:12:30,326
The last
time
I saw him,
324
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:31,170
he was bounding
up the stairs.
325
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,320
If you leave now,
326
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:35,330
you can probably catch
him
at the landing.
327
00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:37,150
Oh. Pardon me. Excuse me.
328
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:40,320
Irving?
329
00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:43,503
Irving?
330
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:44,270
Irving, are you in here?
331
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,330
Oh.
332
00:12:46,316 --> 00:12:48,826
Oh.
333
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,120
Oh, my God!
334
00:12:54,150 --> 00:12:56,330
How about
a little privacy
here?
335
00:12:56,366 --> 00:12:59,366
Tiffany, I told you
not to touch anything.
336
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,130
You also said to play nice.
337
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,180
What were you kids
thinking,
338
00:13:10,216 --> 00:13:12,096
making out in there?
339
00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:13,473
A minute ago, you
were
at each other's
throats.
340
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,420
now you're just
at each other?
341
00:13:15,450 --> 00:13:17,100
What happened?
342
00:13:17,133 --> 00:13:19,003
Well, she hit me,
then I pushed her.
343
00:13:19,330 --> 00:13:20,200
One thing
led to another.
344
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,333
You know how it is.
345
00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:25,200
The kid's cute,
so I kissed him.
346
00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:26,303
Go ahead, tell me
347
00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:28,503
you haven't had
the same thoughts
348
00:13:28,830 --> 00:13:29,220
about his old man.
349
00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:31,400
Just mind your
own
B-I-business.
350
00:13:31,433 --> 00:13:33,273
Fran, it was no big deal.
351
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:34,350
Maybe not to you,
352
00:13:34,383 --> 00:13:36,103
but you're
gonna
get me fired.
353
00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:38,383
Your father has this big thing
about his kids kissing.
354
00:13:38,416 --> 00:13:41,476
I don't know why.
They're very good at it.
355
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,270
Hey, what can I say?
356
00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:46,996
Hey!
357
00:13:47,330 --> 00:13:49,000
What are you doing?
358
00:13:49,330 --> 00:13:52,470
You guys need to be hosed down.
If only we had water.
359
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,330
You, go to your room.
360
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:56,280
Not you.
361
00:13:56,316 --> 00:13:57,416
You want to get somebody hot,
362
00:13:57,450 --> 00:14:00,180
go light a fire under
your grandfather's butt.
363
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:09,470
Oh, Mr. Sheffield's
gonna kill me.
364
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,470
He's gonna find some way
to make it my fault,
365
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,230
just because
the plumber is my cousin,
366
00:14:15,266 --> 00:14:16,376
and he brought her,
367
00:14:16,416 --> 00:14:19,126
and I sent them
up to play together.
368
00:14:19,166 --> 00:14:21,126
The twisted pathways
of his mind.
369
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:23,496
What am I gonna do?
370
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:24,230
He nearly had a conniption
371
00:14:24,266 --> 00:14:26,226
when Maggie
kissed that boy Eddie,
372
00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:28,496
and Brighton's
three years younger.
373
00:14:28,830 --> 00:14:30,500
Oh, I'll be canned for sure.
374
00:14:30,830 --> 00:14:32,170
Miss Fine, you spend
so much time up this creek,
375
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,230
I should think, by now,
you'd have bought a paddle.
376
00:14:35,266 --> 00:14:37,346
Niles, if you're not
part of the solution,
377
00:14:37,383 --> 00:14:39,833
you're part of the problem.
378
00:14:39,116 --> 00:14:41,176
Well, perhaps Master Brighton
will keep his mouth shut.
379
00:14:41,216 --> 00:14:42,296
If he could do that,
380
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:43,483
I wouldn't be
in this mess
381
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,120
in the first place.
382
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,150
Fran, guess what!
383
00:14:46,183 --> 00:14:47,273
What? What?
384
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:49,280
Brighton kissed Tiffany
in the shower!
385
00:14:49,316 --> 00:14:52,496
Thank you,
Hedda Hopper.
386
00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:53,250
Any more bright ideas?
387
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,003
Well, perhaps
you have a
cousin
388
00:14:55,330 --> 00:14:56,250
who works
for unemployment?
389
00:14:56,283 --> 00:14:58,123
MAXWELL:
Miss Fine!
390
00:14:58,150 --> 00:14:59,350
FRAN:
Oh, I can explain.
391
00:14:59,383 --> 00:15:00,473
You know, it's true.
392
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:02,400
I did send them up to play
with each other,
393
00:15:02,433 --> 00:15:04,483
but who knew
they'd take it literally?
394
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,180
What are you talking about?
395
00:15:06,216 --> 00:15:09,156
You first.
396
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,180
There's still no water.
397
00:15:11,216 --> 00:15:13,496
Oh, you're mad about the water.
398
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,300
Did you hear that, Niles?
He's mad about the water.
399
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,330
Miss Fine, this is
hardly
cause for celebration.
400
00:15:19,366 --> 00:15:21,346
I'm about to
fire
your cousin.
401
00:15:21,383 --> 00:15:23,333
Ah, fire away.
402
00:15:23,660 --> 00:15:25,250
Listen, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
403
00:15:25,283 --> 00:15:28,223
He's mad about the water.
404
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:31,250
Uh, you're taking
this
awfully well.
405
00:15:31,283 --> 00:15:33,473
She thought she was in trouble
about Brighton.
406
00:15:35,416 --> 00:15:37,226
Oops.
407
00:15:37,266 --> 00:15:38,416
What about Brighton?
408
00:15:38,450 --> 00:15:41,420
Got to go.
Got a play date. Bye.
409
00:15:41,450 --> 00:15:43,000
Me too.
410
00:15:43,330 --> 00:15:44,350
Freeze.
411
00:15:44,383 --> 00:15:47,273
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
412
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,280
as per your request
413
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:52,446
to expedite
the plumbing situation,
414
00:15:52,483 --> 00:15:55,403
I went upstairs
to find Cousin Irving,
415
00:15:55,433 --> 00:15:57,223
and, um, well,
416
00:15:57,250 --> 00:15:59,450
I found Brighton in the shower.
417
00:15:59,483 --> 00:16:01,833
He had water?
418
00:16:01,116 --> 00:16:03,326
He had Tiffany.
419
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:05,483
What?
420
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,250
I know you have this thing
about your kids kissing,
421
00:16:08,283 --> 00:16:10,163
but before you get
all bent out of--
422
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:12,330
Brighton was kissing
your cousin?
423
00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:13,270
She's just a distant cousin.
Very distant.
424
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,400
In fact, she's more like
a close neighbor.
425
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,333
Not even close.
There was a fence.
426
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:21,660
So Brighton snagged
his first kiss, huh?
427
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:23,170
And only 11 years old.
428
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,430
Well, you sound proud of that.
429
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:28,156
Well, he beat his old man
by two years.
430
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:29,450
Well, wait a minute.
When Maggie was over the--
431
00:16:29,483 --> 00:16:32,303
Now would be a good time
to stop talking.
432
00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:34,303
Oh. Yeah.
433
00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:37,183
You know, you never
think of that as an option.
434
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,180
Irving.
435
00:16:43,216 --> 00:16:45,266
What's the matter,
your watch stopped?
436
00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:47,330
No, the date changed.
437
00:16:47,366 --> 00:16:49,146
Will you be
through
with this
438
00:16:49,183 --> 00:16:50,433
before the
battery
wears out?
439
00:16:50,466 --> 00:16:52,426
This bathroom's
ready to go.
440
00:16:52,466 --> 00:16:54,656
Oh, thank God.
441
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,270
So we can
take a shower?
442
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:58,320
If it's you and me
you're talking about,
443
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,300
it's extra.
444
00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:04,153
Fran, did you
hear
that Brighton
445
00:17:04,183 --> 00:17:06,133
was kissing
Tiffany
in the shower?
446
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:08,376
What is this,
a slow news day?
447
00:17:08,416 --> 00:17:10,326
It stinks!
448
00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:11,430
I'm not allowed
to go to a stupid
party,
449
00:17:11,466 --> 00:17:13,316
but Daddy wants to
throw Brighton a
parade?
450
00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:15,830
I know. It's so unfair.
451
00:17:15,116 --> 00:17:16,316
Oh. Is this yours?
452
00:17:16,350 --> 00:17:19,830
No, it's Gracie's.
453
00:17:20,116 --> 00:17:22,266
Fran, what are we gonna
do about it?
454
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:24,660
Honey, I told you,
I'm working on him,
455
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:26,160
but you know,
men can't be rushed.
456
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,170
They're like chickens--
457
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,500
You cook them too fast,
they get tough,
458
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:30,480
whereas if you take your time
with them,
459
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,220
let them simmer,
460
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:34,170
then they fall apart
in your hand.
461
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,330
But the party's tonight.
462
00:17:35,366 --> 00:17:36,426
Oh.
463
00:17:36,466 --> 00:17:38,366
Well, kiss it off.
464
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,660
Fran!
465
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,270
Honey, I've been skating
on thin ice
466
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,330
with your father all day.
467
00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,150
Please don't push me through.
468
00:17:46,183 --> 00:17:48,303
Aren't you the one
who's always telling me
469
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,333
that men and women should
be treated equally?
470
00:17:50,366 --> 00:17:52,246
Well, that
sounds
like me.
471
00:17:52,283 --> 00:17:54,273
Except men should
still open the doors
472
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:55,470
and pick up the check.
473
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,100
Yeah.
That's definitely
me.
474
00:17:58,133 --> 00:18:00,123
Okay. Here. Here. Here.
475
00:18:00,150 --> 00:18:02,300
I'll go poke the chicken.
476
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:07,423
Mr. Sheffield?
477
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:09,330
Mr. Sheffield.
478
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:10,660
[WATER RUNNING]
479
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:11,330
I told you kids--
480
00:18:15,466 --> 00:18:17,996
Oh, Mr. Sheffield!
481
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,660
[GASPS]
482
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,330
Oh, you're wearing
the new soap-on-a-rope
483
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:23,176
I got you for Christmas!
484
00:18:26,183 --> 00:18:28,503
What? What is it?
485
00:18:28,830 --> 00:18:30,500
I just--
and he was--
486
00:18:30,830 --> 00:18:31,220
And I saw!
487
00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:32,380
Miss Fine,
you're hysterical.
488
00:18:32,416 --> 00:18:34,176
Now, don't make me
slap you.
489
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,350
I just saw Mr. Sheffield naked.
It was horrible.
490
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,473
I keep telling him
to get to the gym.
491
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,400
I'm serious.
492
00:18:43,433 --> 00:18:46,173
It's like
seeing your father naked.
493
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,250
My mother
should be so
lucky.
494
00:18:48,283 --> 00:18:51,003
Would you like
a cigarette, Miss
Fine?
495
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:54,000
Oh, he can't eve stand
to be seen without a tie.
496
00:18:54,330 --> 00:18:56,220
Oh, this is gonna put him
right over the edge.
497
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:58,500
You know, when I
first
started in service,
498
00:18:58,830 --> 00:18:59,330
I walked in
on the Queen Mum.
499
00:18:59,366 --> 00:19:00,416
In the shower?
500
00:19:00,450 --> 00:19:02,270
On the throne.
501
00:19:04,330 --> 00:19:06,830
He's not strong enough
to handle this.
502
00:19:06,116 --> 00:19:07,166
I don't care
503
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,130
how many bulging muscles
he's got.
504
00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:10,276
Well, just promise
me
one thing.
505
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,376
What?
506
00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:13,166
Let me tell
Miss Babcock.
507
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,000
Oh...
508
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:17,120
There you go.
509
00:19:17,150 --> 00:19:19,330
Now, do I get
some guarantee with that?
510
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,280
Yeah. I guarantee I'll be back.
511
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,130
Gramps, let's get a start
on those stairs.
512
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,296
I want to make it
home
beforeLetterman.
513
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:33,300
You're leaving me,
just like that?
514
00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:36,133
Don't cling.
You're suffocating me.
515
00:19:36,166 --> 00:19:37,426
We just met.
516
00:19:37,466 --> 00:19:40,226
It was nice while it lasted,
but it's over.
517
00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:42,276
Let's not
drag this out.
518
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:49,133
Dad, I'm no expert on this,
but... Was I just dumped?
519
00:19:50,316 --> 00:19:52,326
Yes, son.
520
00:19:52,366 --> 00:19:54,996
Welcome to the battle
of the sexes,
521
00:19:55,330 --> 00:19:58,120
where they sneak up on you
when you're most
vulnerable,
522
00:19:58,150 --> 00:19:59,380
Utterly humiliate you,
523
00:19:59,416 --> 00:20:03,416
then leave you trembling,
exposed, and naked.
524
00:20:06,116 --> 00:20:07,346
Yeah, okay, but--
525
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,300
Dumped or not,
did I get to first base?
526
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,153
Well... yes.
527
00:20:12,183 --> 00:20:14,003
All right!
528
00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:17,160
FRAN: Mr. Sheffield!
529
00:20:22,283 --> 00:20:23,323
Ah. Um...
530
00:20:23,350 --> 00:20:25,330
Was there a paper
this morning?
531
00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:27,300
Yeah. You read it
at breakfast.
532
00:20:27,333 --> 00:20:30,123
Oh. Yes.
533
00:20:30,150 --> 00:20:32,200
Mr. Sheffield, I have
to
see you a sec.
534
00:20:32,233 --> 00:20:34,173
Oh, I think
you've seen quite enough.
535
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,130
Mr. Sheffield,
it's important.
536
00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:38,296
All right, but please,
I beg of you,
537
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:39,473
just get to the point.
538
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,400
No more long stories
about your high school,
539
00:20:42,433 --> 00:20:44,333
family, pets.
540
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,220
Okay, okay, I'll
just
stick to the bare
facts.
541
00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:47,370
I'm sorry.
542
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,230
I mean,
it's no big
thing.
543
00:20:49,266 --> 00:20:50,296
Oy!
544
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:53,373
This isn't going well.
545
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,220
Let me just cut to the chase.
546
00:20:56,250 --> 00:20:58,400
Yeah. That's okay.
547
00:20:58,433 --> 00:21:01,333
I'm sorry I walked in on you,
548
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:02,480
but you have nothing
to be ashamed of.
549
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,180
Didn't you say the human body
is a beautiful thing?
550
00:21:05,216 --> 00:21:07,276
Oh, now, Miss Fine, you can't
go comparing
551
00:21:07,316 --> 00:21:09,296
me looking at these girls
for an audition
552
00:21:09,333 --> 00:21:11,323
with you walking in
on me in the shower.
553
00:21:11,350 --> 00:21:12,470
It's entirely different.
554
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,000
Yeah. I'm not
selling
tickets.
555
00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:18,330
Although plenty of women
would pay through the nose.
556
00:21:18,366 --> 00:21:20,126
Miss Fine!
557
00:21:20,166 --> 00:21:22,176
I'm just kidding.
558
00:21:22,216 --> 00:21:26,326
I didn't see anything,
except for your double standard.
559
00:21:26,366 --> 00:21:28,296
My double what?
560
00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:29,423
Your double standard.
561
00:21:29,450 --> 00:21:31,350
You have one set of rules
for boys
562
00:21:31,383 --> 00:21:33,473
and then a whole
repressed-Rapunzel
thing
563
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,350
happening for the girls.
564
00:21:36,383 --> 00:21:38,423
Are we back
on this blasted party?
565
00:21:38,450 --> 00:21:41,450
Look, all I'm saying is that
you need to trust Maggie
566
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,830
as much as Brighton,
567
00:21:43,116 --> 00:21:44,296
and knowing
Brighton,
even more so.
568
00:21:44,333 --> 00:21:45,383
I trust Maggie.
569
00:21:45,416 --> 00:21:47,326
It's the boys
I don't trust.
570
00:21:47,366 --> 00:21:50,446
Well, Maggie has to learn
to handle 14-year-old
boys,
571
00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:52,173
so when she grows up,
572
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,100
she can know how to
handle full-grown
men,
573
00:21:54,133 --> 00:21:57,323
Who, when you think about it,
are a lot like 14-year-old
boys.
574
00:22:00,166 --> 00:22:02,376
You have a very good point.
575
00:22:02,416 --> 00:22:04,326
How annoying.
576
00:22:04,660 --> 00:22:05,470
All right,
she can go to the party,
577
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,220
but she has to be back by 10:00.
578
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:09,170
10:00?
579
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,830
A good time to have a good time,
but not too good a time.
580
00:22:12,116 --> 00:22:14,426
Fine. Thank you, thank you.
Now, back to work.
581
00:22:14,466 --> 00:22:18,376
Mr. Sheffield, are you ever
gonna look me in the eye again?
582
00:22:18,416 --> 00:22:20,126
I am looking you in the eye.
583
00:22:20,166 --> 00:22:21,246
Mm-hmm.
584
00:22:21,283 --> 00:22:23,223
Look, Miss Fine,
surely you can understand
585
00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:26,480
this whole episode has been
a little embarrassing for me.
586
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,400
Oh, don't be silly.
It all happened so fast.
587
00:22:30,433 --> 00:22:33,503
I didn't see anything.
588
00:22:33,830 --> 00:22:34,200
Good.
589
00:22:34,233 --> 00:22:36,333
You have nothing
to be embarrassed about...
590
00:22:36,366 --> 00:22:38,156
Believe me.
591
00:22:38,500 --> 00:22:39,830
[LAUGHING]
592
00:22:50,116 --> 00:22:52,366
You know, men can't be rushed.
They're like chickens--
593
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,830
You cook them too fast,
they get--
594
00:22:56,266 --> 00:22:58,296
But men can't be rushed.
They're like chickens--
595
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,203
you cook them too fast,
and they get tough.
596
00:23:00,233 --> 00:23:02,483
Whereas, if you let them
simmer...
597
00:23:06,133 --> 00:23:09,283
Honey, I told you,
I'm working on it.
598
00:23:09,316 --> 00:23:10,396
[LAUGHTER]
599
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,300
One more time,
I got it.